Welcome

As a late deafened adult, finding my place in the world has been extremely difficult.  Perhaps, I've not found that place as yet, but it's getting better.

During the early 1990's, I was working at the University of Mississippi telephone exchange.  We wore little headphones which had volume control.  One day, I went to turn up the volume, and it was already at maximum setting.  "Hum...maybe my machine is broken, has a loose wire, or is old," I thought.

After my divorce, and move back home to mother, I found an administrative assistant job.  The position required lots of phone usage, convention planning and execution, and tons of interpersonal interaction on a daily basis. "Excuse me?", "Could you repeat that?", and "Huh?" were becoming key phrases throughout the day.

Having remembered my grandmother using rehabilitation services for eye glasses, I decided to go see if they could do something to check my hearing.  What I learned was very disturbing.  I had sensorineural hearing loss.  According to my mother, so did my paternal grandfather.

It's amazing what we choose to define who we are.  Many people identify with being a lawyer, doctor, or teacher.  My mom identified herself with being a legal secretary, that is who she was even though she was a mother, a daughter, and a WMU leader, among other things.

I identified with being a musician.  My entire life was music.  I loved to listen to it, study it, sing it, play it, collect it, whatever - if it was music, it was who I was and what I wanted.  I could envision myself singing opera at the Met.  But, with the diagnosis of sensorineural hearing loss, my hopes were dashed.

Over the years, my hearing has gotten so bad I can't sing on key, hear birds sing, hear crickets chirp, hear the phone ring, or hear most women talk.  My hearing loss is worse in the higher pitch ranges.  But, I can hear that nagging bass hip hop stuff that kills my ears.  What music I can hear now hurts my ears and gives me a terrible headache.  This was a devastating blow to my psyche.  Who am I now?

Fortunately, I found a nonprofit organization dedicated to helping hearing impaired and deaf people find employment, and who offered support services to those in the program.  Ultimately, they hired me, and I became an employment specialist for deaf and hearing impaired individuals. 

Deaf individuals give people sign names, and Mary gave me CC.  One C at the forehead for smart, and one C at the jaw for funny.   Sign2cc was born.

But, fitting in was something I never was able to do.  I wasn't born deaf, or was deafened as a child, so I didn't know sign language, but I was trying to learn.  And, the deaf people I was around did their best to intimidate me with their rapid fire signing.  Deaf culture is amazing to watch and learn.

I couldn't hear any longer, so fitting into the hearing world was near impossible.  I felt like a kid outside the candy store.  All of the children were inside, and I was outside unable to hear what was going on.  I was there, but wasn't.  I felt disconnect.  So, I found myself between worlds, one that was confusing, lonely, and cruel.

Pleading with, begging to, perhaps a bit of bargaining, and crying out to God, "Why?!" was something that I did constantly.  It consumed me.  God did hear and answer my prayer.  He said, "So you can hear me better."  I accepted that and accepted the fact that I would not hear normally again in this lifetime. 

I've carved a small niche in society, and by the hardest I'm surviving.  Technology has enabled me to hear the preacher at church via FM system, but my hearing aids are worthless.  My hearing aids only amplify the noise, and give me a headache since my hearing loss isn't all volume.

The best way I can explain my hearing is to use this analogy.  Suppose you are driving out of town and are listening to your favorite radio station.  Once you reach a certain point, the static begins, and your song is fading in and out.  Yup, that is how I hear. 

Coupled with Tinnitus, a constant ringing in the ears, my days can be better or worse depending on how loud my ears are ringing.  Weather, dietary consumption, medication, and other things can affect my tinnitus, and ability to hear what little I can hear.

It's been 20 years since that diagnosis, and at 51, I'm more comfortable, and confident with myself.  It isn't easy, but it's easier. This is my story, and I hope somehow you can be encouraged by it. 

Welcome to Sign 2 CC!